The role of mother is already taken.

That sentence rang so strongly in my head that I said to myself: “I'll write a blog about it!”

Let me start with a short story.
A few days ago I went for a walk and met a friend. We chat a bit and I ask her: “Does your son have a girlfriend yet?” Her son has just turned 18 and is a sociable boy, so I was curious to know how it was with the girls. My friend says no, because her son told her that he doesn't have time for them and that they are too “busy”.
I ask her what he means, and he explains that his friends have girls who are constantly nagging them - that they have to study, that they can't party too much, drink too much...
And it rings a bell in my head:

YAY, PLAYING THE ROLE OF MUM!
I didn't want to comment too much, I just smiled and it was like a tsunami inside me. I knew exactly what it looked like, because I played that role in my first marriage. And believe me, it didn't work out.

The outcome of the first marriage: divorce.
Let's look a little at my first marriage.

HOW DID I PLAY THE ROLE OF MUM?

I was overly concerned about his personal hygiene with inappropriate questions for an adult:
“Have you showered yet?”
“Have you brushed your teeth?”
“But you still haven't shaved?”

I always checked his meals:
“Did you eat anything for lunch?”
“But you haven't eaten anything hot today?”
“You're not going to put any vegetables next to the meat?”
“How come you don't eat breakfast? You know that's completely unhealthy!”
“What about fruit? Don't you know that an apple a day can drive a doctor away?”

EVEN NOW, AS I WRITE THIS, I AM SICKENED BY HOW OFTEN WE PLAY THE ROLE OF MUM IN NON-PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIPS.

I have often been a juvenile cop:
“But are you going out with friends again?”
“But do you mean going home so late?”
“Have you been drinking again?”
“But doesn't home mean anything to you?”
“But you're just going to watch TV, are you really not going to read any books?”

I thought he was an irresponsible teenager:
“Have you submitted your income tax yet?”
“But are you waiting for the last day again?”
“But do you think the bills will just pay themselves?”
“You haven't sent your application form again?”
“How much longer are you going to drag this out?”

AND WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU PLAY THE ROLE OF MUM?

The child on the other side.
How many times do I hear from my clients or friends: ”Mine is like a little child”. Then I know where the problem is. When we play the role of parent - mum or dad - in a partnership, we inevitably get a child on the other side.

Examples of how this manifests itself on the other side, when a person falls into the role of a child:
“Will you take off my shirt?”
“Would you make me a snack to take to work?”
“Please submit this application form for me.”
“Haven't you gone to the shop yet? I told you we're out of beer!”
“Can you cut me some fruit?”

THE REVERSE ALSO HAPPENS WHEN MEN PLAY THE ROLE OF FATHER.

You men recognise yourselves in these things:
“Are you going to leave everything to the last minute again?”
“Do I have to wait for you again?”
“But are you going to hang on the phone again?”
“But did you really have to buy a new bag again, or don't you have enough?”
“Why did you talk so much to your mother again?”
“It's always the same song, I've told you that this time, and you still don't know how to do it.”

DO I STILL EVER PLAY THE ROLE OF MUM?

I would love to say no. But if you ask my husband, he will say: “We're not there yet”.
It still escapes me many times, but I'm glad I realise it quickly. Or my husband Gregor is quick to remind me - and for that I am grateful from the bottom of my soul. Well, sometimes I show my gratitude a little later, because my first reaction is: “No, I don't do that anymore!” Hahaha! And then I know he's right.

HOW CAN WE HELP EACH OTHER IF WE PLAY THE ROLE OF MUM (OR THE ROLE OF DAD) IN A PARTNER RELATIONSHIP?

1. First, let's recognise it. - Now we know what it means to have the role of mum occupied. Let us observe ourselves without judgement.
2. Let's not blame ourselves. - Of course, it's no fun when you realise you're doing it. And it doesn't matter if you've been doing it for 50 years or just 1 year. But instead of criticising ourselves, let's congratulate ourselves for recognising it.
3. Let's write everywhere: “Mum's role is taken” or “Dad's role is taken” - This sentence will serve as a motivation to stop.
4. Ask your partner to alert us when they notice it. - I am also grateful that my husband sometimes reminds me, even though I sometimes don't like it at first.
5. Be patient with yourself. - If we have been doing it for a very long time, it cannot change overnight.
6. Take small steps, Let's be persistent and acknowledge each step forward.

!LET'S NOT FORGET - our partner already has a mother and doesn't need another one. And our partner already has a dad. An adult does not need control, but wants an equal partner - someone who can take care of him/herself, who stands firm and independent.

TOREJ ...

Dear women, teenagers, ladies, if our child is not standing in front of us, let's start playing the role of wife, friend, partner - because the role of mum is already taken.

Dear husbands, teenagers, gentlemen, if your child is not standing in front of you, start playing the role of husband, friend, partner - because the role of father is already taken.